There are several things that I’m simply not good at. Saying No, being right up there near the top. But, I also have other, more lasting, character flaws, that I’m afraid err on the side of my being “too good at.”
It’s true. But, no worries, I’m not perfect. For instance, I have a cowlick.
100% Natural Cow Lick
No, what I’m referring to is my “curse.” I have one. (I probably have more than one, but I have one that is simply prevalent, at all costs, regardless of any personal demographic).
I never forget an injustice.
Ever. As a matter of awkward fact, I could go for years without seeing you, or thinking about you, and not even a second after a re-introduction, or a chance meeting, I immediately am reminded of That Thing You Did.
I can’t help it.
Once, I was at The Pig to buy some veggie dogs, and, because as always happens in the grocery store I simply cannot leave with only what I went there to buy, I’d decided to get some Fig Newtons, and as I turned the corner, there stood a person I’d not seen (hadn’t really wanted to run into, either, to be honest) in over a year, holding a bag of potato chips, the real good kind.
“Well, Kris, I’ll be…how on earth are you?”
I was so hoping I’d not been spotted. I was shoulder-level to a row of canned squash (perish the thought) and of course, I pretended to need four cans of it, announcing that I was in quite a hurry, and how good it was to see them (it wasn’t good to see them – we’d never been that close), and how was the family, and blah, blah, blah.
Ahem. You’ve been there, before, I know…you’ve filled your buggy with cans of squash a time or two, I’m sure.
I should have been nicer, more southern, I knew better, I did, but I couldn’t look at them without recalling that time (and this was back in high school!) that they’d stolen two candy bars from the Store (we sold candy in between classes to raise money for the annual) and then blamed me for it.
No one believe it, not for one hot second, of course, but still…I had not forgotten. I hadn’t remembered that I’d not forgotten until right then, but you see my dilemma.
This raises an interesting question within my Articles of Faith, you understand.
If I can’t truly forget what you’ve done to me, for whatever reason (and I’m sure a few were warranted), then can I truly forgive?
I hate to sound petty and trite about this, but I am a little worried. Why does my subconscious care so much? Have I somehow given such absolute weight to every grievance done to me? (And is this a reciprocal action?)
Godspell.
I mean, Lord knows, I’ve not gotten hung up on your wrongdoing in my daily life, or routine, but why should your “mistake” (let’s call it) be the first thing to crop back into my mind, the moment we run into each other again? I accept the fact that I’m human, and thus, flawed. Fine.
But, what else lies down there in my psyche?
I had no idea you could carry a grudge and not feel it, not know it…
What’s the point of anger, in that case?
It’s even a little embarrassing. I try to make light of it, to joke about it, but it still sits there, right under my eyebrow, there I am sitting at the bar with you watching you sip, sip, sip your G-a-T; or, there I am, elbow-to-elbow with you in the audience enjoying a play, a musical, a concert; or, there I am passing by you in Wal-Mart, pretending I’m not recalling that time you stood me up, didn’t pay me back, spread a lie about me, left me off the invite list, whatever – it never has to be a big thing, you know, doesn’t have to be a major event.
Probably, I could argue, that it’s the smaller ones that hurt the most, that my psyche clings to.
But, get this, it’s not even that I care that much about it, or that I’m usually that offended by the oversight…the kicker is that my mind thinks it is. Heck, if I kept a list off all the things that overlooked me, the times that stood me up, the unpaid debts, and so forth, I’d go missing.
What I hate is that the moment we reconnect, this is the first thing I think of. I go straight to it. And so, I have to re-evaluate my dialogue, in that conversation, because you’re probably not thinking of that stray moment, either…and I don’t want to bring it up, necessarily, myself.
I’m just not sure how to work through it. I swear, I don’t really keep a tally. (Maybe I should, though, maybe that would alleviate this need I have mentally to “judge”).
It’s a horrible thing to discover that about yourself, that you judge others, when you really, truly, didn’t think you did. It’s like discovering those sebaceous pimples – the kind that hurt, that bump up, but they never break the surface, so no one else really believes you have a pimple.
Oh, but you do. You do. And you know you do.
I’m not even sure therapy would help. I tend to think of the subconscious as being this massive sieve, and all day long it sweeps through the murk, the mud, the mess and collects all those moments, issues, feelings, etc. that you couldn’t deal with and its first attempt comes that night, through your dreams. (This is why I’m a vegetarian).
But, if it doesn’t get a chance to release them then, it just throws them into a back room until later. Later, by the way, usually manifests as aggravation, anger, frustration, irritation, divorce, diarrhea, headache, bankruptcy, and suicide. Sometimes, the only symptom is mild discomfort, but you should still consult your phys — wait, wait, wait. I’ve gotten this confused with Levitra.
Doctor Feelgood isn't in. Ever.
What I mean to say is, probably that’s the basis of my Mistake Retention. I’m just projecting onto something within my control that stems from something that isn’t or wasn’t. Maybe that’s the whole reason we make the mistakes we make in the first place. We just haven’t cleaned up, on the inside. All that clutter gets in the way and the next thing you know, we’re operating under the Best Intentions Rule.
If best intentions were money, we’d have no poverty left in the world, would we? I haven’t met a soul yet who doesn’t have them.
The trouble is, we just don’t know how to spend them.
The Clever Kris 