If you don’t want to bleed for it, don’t put it in your blood.

I had a terrifying thought, this morning, on the way to work: I’m afraid I might be a duplicitous man.

Duplicitous. I used to think that described a man who had lots of love affairs. Would that it were true.

Yeah, but one wipe and it's all gone.

But, driving out to campus, I really questioned what I, up until this morning, had believed was my emotional and physical elasticity when in the face of any crisis. Now, I wonder: what if all I’ve done is misunderstood what I thought was others’ general defection of accountability because I’d mislabeled it in my own life?

I hate this thought. I’ve hated it all morning. But, it won’t go away. It just sits there, staring at me. Even now.  

I think, at my age, I shouldn’t be learning this kind of lesson. Isn’t this something you pretty much have figured out by recess?  You know, when you Tom Sawyer everyone into playing Red Rover, so you can get the slide to yourself?

Or at least, get to it, First?

I’m having this thought for the very real reason that last night was a disaster, to me, personally. A definite blow to my faith in people and theatre, and not just people, but friends. (That’s another thought I’ve had today, and it’s only slightly secondary: that I really have no actual people skills. And am thus, a poor judge of character). That thought would kill me dead except I’m not entirely sure it’s a real thought; it might just be stuck under the duplicitous half of me.

So, last night.

Before we even got into rehearsal, others got into it, with themselves. And it wasn’t just over costumes, I overheard several issues-in-the-making. As the director of this production, it ultimately becomes my responsibility to fix these things, you know.

I’m not complaining about that. It’s always a threat: that something will fall apart in the ever-spinning gyre, and need long arms, strong ones and yet still soft, to pick up the pieces and place them back in the centrifuge that is theatre.

But, that responsibility comes with a terrible arthritis.

This is where I wonder whether or not the fault is really with me. Am I really as resilient as I want others to think I am, or have I just found an acceptable way to display duplicity?

I like to think I’m resilient. I like to think I’m well and aware. I like to think I’ve paid my dues, already. But, I have a sneaking suspicion that I haven’t…after last night, anyway.

Theatre is in my blood. So, it makes sense that every now and then, you have to bleed for it. It hurts, but if you don’t want to hurt, don’t put it in your blood, I guess. I hurt even worse when I think that somehow a project that I’ve put together, lived with, dreamed about, worried over (and more than anyone else in the cast and crew) has had the opposite effect: it turns one away from the beauty of collaboration that is theatre instead of inviting them in.

The thickness of this line is far too generous.

Far be it from me to suggest that ego has no place in theatre; or that there are no egos in it. I know there are; I’m one of them. But, I draw a very fine line between ego and vanity. I draw an even finer one between levels of ego (i.e., be egotistic in your search for the character’s fullness, life). However, vanity, in my opinion, has no place in the art of theatre.

No one’s that important.

And, I recognize how difficult it is to actualize the parameters of “your place,” in any given show; it takes time…but not attitude. I hate, as much as anyone (having been on the bitter, receiving end myself) that a hierarchy has to exist, considering the collaborative concept of theatre, but it does exist, and it exists for a reason.  That isn’t to say that, last night, others didn’t have their reasons, I’m sure they did. And I’m sure they all truly believed that they were doing the right thing…for the right reason…

…and this harkens back to my theory that compromise isn’t real, and doesn’t exist, because it all ended in argument, and what hurt me about that was the sheer and luxurious waste of energy and time that was lost in such an exchange. And that, there was no “return trust” given to me. A director handles problems, all problems. And I was right there, apparently, when all of this was occuring…and no one asked me, no one came to me. No one brought it to my attention. After all the trust I’ve put in them to do their jobs; they didn’t allow me to do mine…until after the fact, after the damage. When it was too late, really. And my arms were tired…

I’m not there just to pat backs and say “Good job.” I’m there to put back in order the show I directed…and to keep it in order.

Instead, I gave a feeble pep talk, I tried to skirt around the issues without pointing fingers because this show has to go on, with or without me, or him, or her, or them. 

And there’s a part of me that wanted to, last night, tell everyone to just shut up. To shut off themselves, the outside world, and concentrate on the show. There’s part of me that felt like I was dealing with children, instead of adults. Like each member of the cast and crew, I have put too much time in this endeavor for it to be rendered childish. There’s also a part of me that wants to say, Get over yourself, and into the character – that’s the only reason you are here: when you leave the theatre, Fine, hate me, but wait until then to do it…in here, you’re the actor, nothing else, they’re the crew, the SM, whatever, nothing else – let’s all focus on that and – nothing else! I can, so why can’t you (that’s my default question: that’s also the part that I’m scared is duplicitous: I don’t ask from you what I wouldn’t give you, myself). 

And, there’s a part of me that’s still angry about last night; angry that we’ve come so far to be offset, even if it’s just for one night, by petty, inconsequential items that are holding a powerful amount of control of the show’s psyche. It amazes me the depths to which we sink to protect our own interests…

That’s criminal in my theatre book. 

And, no matter what the argument, it’s always rooted in vanity. No matter what anyone else has said; I am the one who gets to say things about this show. That’s the right you get when you become a director.

Any one of them could have been the director, too. It wasn’t something I chose to do, but it wasn’t something they chose to do either, obviously. Since it fell to me, I’m not going to lessen my standards now that it’s done.  I can’t. I don’t know how.

One size fits all butts. Mostly.

I’m tired of having to be on the forgiving end when it isn’t how I feel at all. I’m tired of “allowing” behaviour (so as not to offend the creative process) because, now, it isn’t creating new growth. It’s forming habits, and cliques, and it’s making my mouth sour.

So, in quick retrospect, I’m done with theatre, after next weekend. At least here. At least for now…thank god, I have other things to do. But, it still makes me sad.

I don’t like working hard to instill faith just to have it ripped away. I mean, it’s one thing to lose faith, it’s another to watch it being taken away from you.

Maybe, if nothing else, I could argue that if I am duplicitous, at least being duplicitous has a built-in safety feature: there’s always two sides to it.

If one doesn’t work out…you just turn the other way…

And pray real hard that when all is said and done, no one “unfriends” you on Facebook.

The monsters in my mouth.

I’m no prude, but violence in any form shocks me. (I’m rather hoping that’s a universal statement).

But, and here’s where we may differ, my response to it is to laugh. Maybe it’s a nervous habit, maybe I think it’s a deflection on my part to make it less real. I don’t know why I do it, but I laugh. And loudly.

See, what you might not know about me is that I am the world’s most foremost expert at inappropriate laughter.  It just seems easier to laugh at everything, for me.  I get tired of crying. (Though, I’ve done my share of that, too).  Let’s not dwell on that, yet…that’s not today’s focus.

This man is thoroughly enjoying his laugh.

This is: what I’ve been noticing lately is that my conversations, and by this I mean those that I happen into, like around the dinner table, out with friends, after rehearsals, etc., not ones I instigate, necessarily, I’ve noticed that they have become almost exponentially more violent in content.

That amuses me.

I wonder if we think that’s entertaining. Sure, sure, in a movie, like Die Hard or Scream or that dreadful imposition of a film called Forrest Gump, ok, that’s one thing, but in the every day? When we’re face-to-face, are we so worried that silence is too disconcerting that simply enjoying another’s presence isn’t enough, anymore? 

Either way, it makes for good conversation, I guess.

Before rehearsal, yesterday, I met a couple of friends at Old Venice, an Italian restaurant within walking distance from my house, as is the theatre. It’s terribly convenient to have them both so close, and I worry that at any moment someone will come and tell me I’ve had it made for too long, to please move.

I was a bit late, and they were already there, drinks in one hand, menus in the other, and as I sat down, Jene turned to me, in that wonderfully comic way of his (everything’s a big, fat joke to him and I like that), and announced that he’d hurt his ear. Burst the drum. He’d poked a Q-tip too far into the canal. I reminded him that the box, of course, carries a warning to the effect of: Don’t stick this Q-tip in your ear canal.

That wasn’t the point, he said.  It never is with Jene. That’s what makes him delightful company. That story, however, led us immediately down a long, winding path of physical incidents in Jene’s life. Like the time that he got hit in the left eye with a stick and for the next eight days had to go to the emergency room, before school, and meet his doctor there to have his eye scraped.

I found this irresistably funny. So, I laughed.

Jene paused. Assured me that it really was quite painful. Then, he laughed. So did, Chris. (Another one).

As is the way in the Deep South, Jene expected equal disclosure. The whole gambit of “I tell a story, you tell a story.”  We are a culture of story-telling people.  Also, we are called liars. But, we’re good ones. As Mark Twain has famously written, There’s an art to lying, as anything else. Forgive the paraphrase.

I was prepared, naturally. So, I regaled them with my most recent horror: wisdom teeth extraction. I waited late in life to have it done. For one thing, I didn’t really, really know I had any. Secondly, when I couldn’t eat for three days because my back teeth hurt, I realized then, that Yes, indeed, I had wisdom teeth, and they’d shown up just in time to be taken out. Much like an evangelist…they spoke with a vengeance.

The dentist was, how can I say it?, frankly appalled.  He took one look at my X-rays and loudly sighed. How could I not know that these monsters were in my mouth. I liked that phrase, though…don’t you.  I told him they’d never bothered me until that weekend.  He held no restraint in telling me that I was almost too old for a safe surgery.

But, that he’d try. (Of course, he would. It cost $1200.  Heck, in this recession, I’d try to take your wisdom teeth out for $20).

I signed waivers saying that I wanted to be “put under,” and that if I died, I wouldn’t sue, etc. etc.  (They didn’t ask me to include family members though. If something happened, I felt I’d be avenged.  Hell hath no fury like my Mother).

The day of the surgery came, bless Erin and Amanda for the week of torture they’d have to endure on my behalf, and I took the Valium. The nurse asked me if I had any last questions. In retrospect, this is not necessarily what you want to hear on your way “down.” I asked her if anyone had gone on to meet God from the chair I was in.

She said, “No. Not that one.”

I was out in under ten seconds.  That part is not Hollywood fiction; it’s very real. When I came to, I was drowsy and packed: cotton, gauze, my mouth was free of monsters and full of Proctor & Gamble.  The dentist said that despite my age (again with this age business) it was a textbook operation.

I asked him which edition.

He laughed, as was his social responsibility. And two days later, I had a massive nerve infection. Not a dry socket, a nerve infection. So painful that I almost committed a crime: vandalism. I didn’t though. I wasn’t able to drive to his office without assistance, and I just wasn’t willing to incriminate anyone else.

These are happy teeth. They are also fake.

I had to go, for a solid week, at the hands of mercy belonging to Erin and Amanda, God bless them, every morning back to the dentist’s office to have my “holes packed.” It is as painful as it sounds. They would stretch my jaws as widely as they could, no anesthetic, no being “put down” for this, no, no…I watched the atrocity with every last ounce of awareness one is offered by being fully awake.

The nurse took, what I imagine were Guiness Book of World Records award-winning tweezers – they were a foot long if they were an inch – and while another nurse, unseen, held my jaws open (and anytime your jaws are held open, it is always against your will), drying out my throat, the first nurse took two awful-smelling strips of yellow gauze, soaked in kerosene and castor oil and also Ipecac, I think it was, and proceeded to force them into the space previously occupied by God-given teeth.

Every morning for a week I endured this.

I could hardly speak, the taste of those stips was like having two creosote poles (crisoak, as we say down south) jammed into your gums because any foreign object put in your mouth shames it instantly; your mouth becomes offended – it begins to feel inadequate, as if it’s not doing its job. Your mouth knows what should and shouldn’t be there. I’m pretty sure that’s one of Newton’s laws, oh, and that taste, ick….nothing could get rid of it. Nothing.

I finished my story, and turned back to Jene, who stared at me. That was nowhere near as painful as having your eyeball scraped. I had to agree.  No matter how I twisted the facts around to make them more violently presentable, just merely saying the words “eyeball,” and “scraped,” in the same sentence trumps everything else.

He then rounded out the evening, at least for me – I had to get to rehearsal – by telling the embarrassingly tragic story of his 12th birthday. Having grown up with horses, in the stables not the house, he’d invited all his friends to the ranch to show off his precious, tame horse named Cantalope.

He’d been practicing and practicing pulling off a Trigger routine, which as you may recall, I believe, involved Roy Rogers jumping over the back of the horse to mount him. I think. At any rate, I’m sure it wasn’t Dale. Jene had reheared this routine a thousand times, he said, and was eager to show his friends what he could do with a horse.

And I mean, come on, the horse’s name was Cantalope. What harm could that cause.

I wouldn't trust this face, at all.

A lot, apparently. The horse panicked and kicked Jene in the genitals four quick and nearly lethal times. His mother, desperate to save him, should a fifth and sixth kick be imminent, immediately jumped the fence, grabbed her son, and tore his trousers off to inspect the damage, much to the wild-eyed amusement of all of his friends, who stood there, a mute audience.  At least until school started back, at which time they introduced to the student body a new nickname for Jene which was…

…and, that, I’m afraid is where the story ended.  He didn’t say another word, and wouldn’t.

Don’t you just hate when people do that?

I’m sure it had something to do with blue jeans, that’d be a first and obvious choice, and of course, balls.

It’s crass, I know, but then, so are most twelve-year-olds.